The Riot, The Witch, and The Tie-Dye Robes
by Draco Malfoy2
Summary: Ravishing roving reporter Rita has gone to Hogwarts to see what the commotion is about. This is a BASILISK Challenge! (used to be SUSHI, used to be ACHOO!). Co-written by my brother, Prathdrake


The Riot, The Witch, and the Tie-Dye Robes.  
  
By Prathdrake and Draco Malfoy  
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A/N: Yo, all! It's time for another ACHOO challenge! Actually, they're called SUSHI now. Actually, now they're called BASILISKS  
now. Ever so confusing, but I'll get over it... Anyboo/hoo/moo/acatchaloo, these are/were the requirements:  
-Someone has to say "We don't need no education!"  
-Someone has to defy the school dress code (in other words, wear something other than black robes or Quidditch robes)  
-There must be a rubber ducky  
-A flag of some sort must be present at some point in the fic  
-Someone has to say "Tengo dolor magnificos!" which means "I have great pain!"  
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RITA SKEETER: Hello, my adoring public! This is Rita Skeeter, ravishingly beautiful reporter, whose savage quill has inflated many inflated reputations. I'm reporting LIVE from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! Do you think this dress makes me look fat? Anyway, I'm here today to investigate the sudden student's strike which has recently occurred. I'm here with Hogwarts' old-fashioned and out-dated headmaster, Albus Dumb...ledore.  
  
DUMBLEDORE (a bit hesitantly): Thank you for your opinionated description.  
  
RITA SKEETER: You're welcome. I have two a questions for you, Mr Dumbledore. First, do you have any idea why the students are on strike?   
  
DUMBLEDORE: Well, I am not completely positive, but I think that it has something to do with one of my esteemed teachers, Severus Snape, and a HIPPY POTION!  
RITA: Well, my second question is, do you like my earrings? (holds up quill threateningly)  
  
DUMBLEDORE: They're quite... uh.. original.  
  
RITA: Don't you think they're fashionable?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Uh.. they're original. But perhaps the salamander toes on the large bronze hoops was overdoing it a bit.  
  
RITA: Hmm.. perhaps. Now back to the interview. I hear that Mr. Snape was once (pauses for dramatic effect) a death eater!  
  
DUMBLEDORE (a bit sarcastically): No! You think? Where did you get that idea?  
  
RITA: I have my ways..... Nonetheless, I've heard rumors that the students have made threats! Can you tell us about these threats?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Well, they've threatened to... I can't say it!  
  
RITA: Oh yes you can! My readers will lap it right up! Come one, Alby-poo, can't you tell Auntie Rita what they're threatening?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Well, they've threatened to... *sniffs* TAKE AWAY AND BURN OUR RUBBER DUCKIES!  
  
RITA: Gasp! What a cruel and unthinkable crime! The air will be polluted!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Who cares about the air? I only care about my little Slippy!  
  
RITA: Can you tell us anything else about the strike?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Yea. The students have started wearing tie-dye robes in protest- obviously the result of the HIPPY POTION!  
  
RITA: Well, thank you. I will now go out and interview some of the protesting students.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: No! Don't go! Save yourself!  
  
RITA (a bit piously): It is my duty as a reporter to inform the public of what's going on.. and what's going on- and about my good looks! By the way, do you like my gold spray-painted horn-rimmed glasses?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: They're very.. different. (Rita waves quill threateningly). Er, uh.. They're lovely!  
  
(RITA and DUMBLEDORE leave the entrance hall and step into the midst of protesting students.)  
  
RITA: My goodness! They're wearing tie-dye robes, just like you said! And they've got flower-child paintings on their cheeks. And they have neon headbands. And.. oh my gosh.. they've got.....  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Don't say it!  
  
RITA: I have to inform the public! They've got.... AFRO WIGS THE SIZE OF BEACH BALLS!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Noooooooooo!  
  
(RITA grabs a marching student.)  
  
RITA: What is you name child?  
  
STUDENT: Harry Potter.  
  
RITA (mostly to herself): Can it be? The famous Harry Potter, the same who befriended the half-giant? You look nothing like your old self with that Afro wig!  
  
HARRY: What wig? This is my real hair!  
  
RITA: Oh, so it is! Let's get another one! Dumblydore...  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Don't call me that!  
  
RITA: Will you please grab another student?  
  
(With hesitation, DUMBLEDORE reaches out and grabs NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM. NEVILLE goes into a fit of rage.)  
  
NEVILLE: What are grabbing me for, stupid headmaster?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: I'm terribly sorry, but there is no need to be rude.  
  
NEVILLE: WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION! Take this! And that!  
  
(NEVILLE starts beating DUMBLEDORE with a broom stolen from the Quidditch shed.)  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Tengo dolor magnificos!  
  
RITA (impressed): He even speaks Spanish! Good work, Alby-poo. Now let me interview this young rogue.  
  
NEVILLE: I'm not a rogue! Take this! And that!  
  
(NEVILLE starts beating RITA with a broom stolen from the Quidditch shed.)  
  
RITA: STOP THAT! Tengo dolor magnificos! I can see what you mean, Dumbledore, these kids are a pain!  
  
NEVILLE: A pain are we? Take this! And that!  
  
(NEVILLE starts beating both RITA and DUMBLEDORE with a broom stolen from the Quidditch shed.)  
  
RITA AND DUMBLEDORE: Tengo dolor magnificos!  
  
RITA: Wait! Stop! I have some questions for you!  
  
NEVILLE: Oh, great then. Fire away!  
  
RITA: Do you like my hairdo? What about my eyeliner?  
  
NEVILLE: Quiet, fool! You're hairdo is ugly- I don't like the horns sticking out of it, and you're eyeliner is yards thick. So... Take this! And that!  
  
(NEVILLE starts beating RITA with a broom stolen from the Quidditch shed.)  
  
RITA: Tengo dolor magnificos!  
  
AUTHOR #1 TO AUTHOR #2: This is getting repetitive and monotonous. Stop writing that in already?  
  
AUTHOR #2 TO AUTHOR #1: What, you mean "Tengo dolor magnificos!"  
  
AUTHOR #1 TO AUTHOR #2: Yes, that!  
  
AUTHOR #2 TO AUTHOR #1 (tauntingly): Tengo dolor magnificos! Tengo dolor magnificos! Tengo dolor magnificos! Tengo dolor magnificos!   
  
AUTHOR #1 TO AUTHOR #2: Stop that! Grr..... On with the story!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: I told you it was a hopeless case!  
  
RITA: You never said that!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: You're right I didn't. But come back in the castle and we can discuss how to get the students to stop.  
  
RITA: Right then. By the way, did that little rogue rip my dress?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: I think he did.  
  
RITA: (snarls)  
  
(The two enter the castle and start discussing ways to get the students back in school.)  
  
RITA: What about an auction? I could donate these earrings!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Who would buy the... I mean, I think they're a bit big for some of the girls here.  
  
RITA: Okay, then. What about a bribe?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Perfect! Rita, you've shown your first sign of brain activity.  
  
RITA: What's that?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Heh heh! Never mind. What could we bribe them back in with?  
  
(RITA and DUMBLEDORE sit in silence for a few moments. Suddenly, they both look up at each other in realization.)  
  
RITA: The bribe's gotta be something EVERYONE wants, right?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Right.  
  
RITA: Maybe something foreign, right?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Right.  
  
RITA: Something with vibrant and riveting colors, right?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Right.  
  
RITA: You're thinking what I'm thinking, right?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Right.  
  
(The two people look at each other and smile.)  
  
DUMBLEDORE AND RITA: Right!  
  
*****  
  
DUMBLEDORE (addressing the students): Children, please! We are prepared to offer something you really will want if you stop protesting and get back in school.  
  
RITA: You REALLY want this! Everyone will!  
  
(The entire school grounds become quiet.)  
  
DUMBLEDORE: We're offering.....  
  
RITA: Mini Canadian flags! (she holds one up and waves it around hypnotically)  
  
RANDOM STUDENT: Wow! Canada is cool! Let me have one!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Only if you get back in that school right now!  
  
STUDENT: ANYTHING for a Canadian flag!  
  
OTHER STUDENT: Canada's the best!  
  
(The rest of the students join in saying things like "Wow! Give me one! and "Canada rocks" and "They won gold in the Men's Olympic Hockey Finals!". Withing 15 minutes, the entire student body is back in their classes, happily waving their cool Canadian flags!)  
  
TRANSFIGURATION STUDENT: McGonnagle, can we transform everything in the classroom to Canadian flags?  
  
MCGONNAGLE: Of course. Canada rocks!  
  
*****  
  
RITA: Well, there you have it! The problem has been solved, by me, your incredibly stunning roving reporter! With, of course, some very minor, minor help from an old dingbat.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: I wonder who she's talking about?  
  
RITA (singing): Remember, if you wanna be hip, if you wanna be cool, you gotta get a Canada flag and go to school!  
  
The End.  
  
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: All right, we admit it, we admit it! We plugged our country thoroughly! But we have a special note for Ms. A.L. Rose:  
  
We don't love our country half as much as we love yours! . Especially since your country just LOVES to give out first-place prizes to unfortunate Canadians.  
(HINT HINT!)  
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End file.
